I woke up this sunny San Diego morning bright-eyed and open-hearted, happy to venture out for a morning run with a couple girlfriends. Smoothie, check. Computer for work later, check. Journal for Blossom workshop, check. And off I went.
Within minutes of our run…ouch.
My friend asked how I was doing, wondering if I had heard the news. No, I hadn’t yet, and it turns out the love of my young life and ex-fiance got engaged on Friday. The immediate slug to my heart made the breakup that was 4 and a half years ago now seem so present. (This happening days after a Valentine’s Day parting ways with my first love since.) It’s not that I still have feelings for him; in fact, I don’t know him anymore, yet something more timeless seemed to emerge in me.
Want to hear something eerie? Just Thursday (as in the day before he popped the question), I was having coffee with my friend who works with him, and I asked if he was engaged. She didn’t think so, and I shared with her I had this feeling he would be soon. Turns out soon meant the next day. Now I could go off on a whole other tangent about interconnectedness, but I’ll spare that conversation for now.
Now, I am sitting with what it means to choose love. I feel a hurt in my heart – perhaps old pain coming up to be cleansed. And yet, I also appreciate just how deep that love was. I get to be grateful for my willingness to love deeply – him, and others who have come before and after. In fact, there isn’t a person in my life who I have loved deeply who I don’t hold in an open space of love and acceptance – from those who have been sources of pain to those who have been sources of joy – i carry your heart always; i carry it in my heart.
I have journaled a bit, sending him and his new fiancee thoughts and energy of love, support, and good wishes. I do wish them all the best. I absolutely wish him all the happiness in the world.
Because that is the thing about love. It creates more of itself. The love we cultivate in our lives will always grow in each of us if we let it.
So choosing love…I let this be a time for more space to clear in my life and in my heart. Friends keep telling me that there is the perfect partner out there for me. We’ll see. What I know now is that there is a tilling of the soil occurring, as all of my old attachments are being cleared…cleared for the spouting of new life.
I choose to be incredibly grateful for the infinite blessings I do get to enjoy now in my life. Starting a business I love, San Diego sunshine, beautiful friends, a lovely condo, driving top down in the Mini, living on purpose, serving with my gifts and passions, starting the morning with fruit smoothies, sitting across from a friend while working from Whole Foods on a Sunday afternoon and so much more. I am grateful that news like this doesn’t shake me because the immediate support of two great friends, 2 hours of connections with the Blossom community, a couple of hours of chatting with another friend and some journaling have all been beautiful gifts from the Universe today.
Choosing love is choosing the present just as it is in the moment. And what’s true is that I am happy, joy-filled, and free.
I guess I just answered my own initial question, and I’m open and curious to hear your thoughts, too.
I Love You,