How do I choose love for this moment?

I woke up this sunny San Diego morning bright-eyed and open-hearted, happy to venture out for a morning run with a couple girlfriends.  Smoothie, check.  Computer for work later, check.  Journal for Blossom workshop, check.  And off I went.

Within minutes of our run…ouch.

My friend asked how I was doing, wondering if  I had heard the news.  No, I hadn’t yet, and it turns out the love of my young life and ex-fiance got engaged on Friday.  The immediate slug to my heart made the breakup that was 4 and a half years ago now seem so present.  (This happening days after a Valentine’s Day parting ways with my first love since.)  It’s not that I still have feelings for him; in fact, I don’t know him anymore, yet something more timeless seemed to emerge in me.

Want to hear something eerie?  Just Thursday (as in the day before he popped the question), I was having coffee with my friend who works with him, and I asked if he was engaged.  She didn’t think so, and I shared with her I had this feeling he would be soon.  Turns out soon meant the next day.  Now I could go off on a whole other tangent about interconnectedness, but I’ll spare that conversation for now.

Now, I am sitting with what it means to choose love.  I feel a hurt in my heart – perhaps old pain coming up to be cleansed.  And yet, I also appreciate just how deep that love was.  I get to be grateful for my willingness to love deeply – him, and others who have come before and after.  In fact, there isn’t a person in my life who I have loved deeply who I don’t hold in an open space of love and acceptance – from those who have been sources of pain to those who have been sources of joy – i carry your heart always; i carry it in my heart.

I have journaled a bit, sending him and his new fiancee thoughts and energy of love, support, and good wishes.  I do wish them all the best.  I absolutely wish him all the happiness in the world.

Because that is the thing about love.  It creates more of itself.  The love we cultivate in our lives will always grow in each of us if we let it.

So choosing love…I let this be a time for more space to clear in my life and in my heart.  Friends keep telling me that there is the perfect partner out there for me.  We’ll see.  What I know now is that there is a tilling of the soil occurring, as all of my old attachments are being cleared…cleared for the spouting of new life.

I choose to be incredibly grateful for the infinite blessings I do get to enjoy now in my life.  Starting a business I love, San Diego sunshine, beautiful friends, a lovely condo, driving top down in the Mini, living on purpose, serving with my gifts and passions, starting the morning with fruit smoothies, sitting across from a friend while working from Whole Foods on a Sunday afternoon and so much more.  I am grateful that news like this doesn’t shake me because the immediate support of two great friends, 2 hours of connections with the Blossom community, a couple of hours of chatting with another friend and some journaling have all been beautiful gifts from the Universe today.

Choosing love is choosing the present just as it is in the moment.  And what’s true is that I am happy, joy-filled, and free.

I guess I just answered my own initial question, and I’m open and curious to hear your thoughts, too.

I Love You,

S.

6 Comments

  1. erika on February 21, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Your ability to love is shining sooo brightly, so deeply to a core that existed beyond a time and space that we know of..the first birth…to love yourself enough to share of yourself is to become more…real, open and vulnerable..to trust in this…is to be loved, seen, and heard..I so acknowledge you and the capacity you have to feel, to give, and to receive..
    each creating space for the other..
    Love You Stephanie..Thank you for choosing and thank you for being..You..
    Love.. eternal sunshine…a light which never can hide..it just is..

  2. Aurora on February 21, 2011 at 3:47 am

    I hope you like this quote as much as I do. It kind’ve smacked me over the head when he said it. It’sfrom an actor named Paul Strand who was guest teaching a master class at Ruskin Group theatre:

    “When you fall in love with someone you sort’ve crash through the limit”. -Paul Sand on Personal Boundaries

  3. Stephanie on February 21, 2011 at 6:01 am

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your heart with me, ladies! Aurora, I love the quote. So perfect on this perfectly perfect day. Here’s to opening more space to create, serve, and play in.

  4. Sasha on February 21, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    How do I choose love in this moment? Well first, I chose love yesterday in the form of compassion and protective angel wings. Compassion for a dear friend who is experiencing one of the hardest and most challenging elements of love. Call it what you will, sadness, heartbreak, a hook into your past, a sign that when you love someone deeply that love never truly disappears. You can find ways to escape it by hiding but when the universe wants to it can presence that deep love in an instant. You know this because it is like a blow to your gut. In a split second you go from being normal to feeling like you just got the wind knocked out of you and you feel yourself falling to your knees in this new found uncomfortable vulnerability.

    Though it is in that moment when we are brought to our knees, whether it be by the grace of deep love or any other emotion we feel, that we get to breathe it all in. We get to breathe that emotional blow in and take time to reflect, meditate, ask why and then most importantly choose what to do next. My dear friend chose to be empowered by this situation not victimized. She chose love in its greatest form; love for oneself which then ripples out to love for all. Today I choose love through acknowledgement of that strong woman for all of her love. She is truly the example of love that I carry with me every day.

    • Ruthi S on February 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm

      Choosing love i this moment is…
      allowing yourself to be loved by those around you and inspiring many in the process. Through showing vulnerability, openness and receptivity, you allow others to give love that otherwise may have been left inside.

      Washington Irving said “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart”

      This new space within yourself, even if it is painful in this moment, cultivates a new opening for true heart singing, energy vibrating, stomach aching LOVE.

      I am grateful for you, Steph, for allowing yourself to be loved and inspiring me in the process. Through your openness, love flows back and forth and purifies the hearts of many. xoxo

  5. Stephanie on February 22, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Sash & Ruthi –
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, wisdom, and “protective angel wings.” (I so felt those wings, S.)

    I absolutely love that Irving quote, and I feel a greater opening happening already. As I process the clearing that February has proved to offer, I acknowledge the strength it has provided as well.

    Mostly, I am left in pure gratitude for the beautiful reflection of love I am left with – a love not of one but of a whole community.

    With heart,
    S

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